Tuesday, May 31, 2005

page 1, somewhere over the rainbow

last night i saw one of the greatest and truest statements ever made by tv on a skittles ad. i never watch tv, so i consider this a special message from the gods, just for me. 3 people are sitting on a rainbow eating skittles. one guys says "hey you guys, what if this rainbow isnt really here? what if its just in our imag..."
a trapdoor opens in the rainbow beneath him, and he plummets beneath the scornful glares of his companions, who go on calmly eating skittles.
i hate tv, but now and again they say something pretty smart. if you look for the flaw, you will find it. if you insist its too good to be true, it will cease to be. you can wish a thing out of existence as easily as in.
here is page 1 of my novel. you cant really read it, but you can kind of bask in it. i can anyway.


game over

let it be known that the games are ended. as if im getting married. i just wanted to see who would enter the contest.
im a bitch like that sometimes.
and sometimes i bite.
a monster lives inside my heart
he holds my heart inside his mouth
rolls it on his tongue
and sucks it for the taste
this morning i was otherwise engaged
the bites began
exquisite pain bled golden crystal tears that ran
in flaming rivers down your face
a gilded map to track the gaze of your bewildered eyes
glowing like a wounded god
on fire in the sunrise

Monday, May 30, 2005

wicked wood

welcome to some more old poetry. damn im lazy. but just because i didnt write this stuff yesterday doesnt mean its not still good. i mean depending of your definition of the word "good". can anyone guess what this is about?
do not plant your seeds here
the ground was poisoned long ago
and nothing seems to grow the way it should
we have come to fear the wood
the problem here is serious
the trees behave so curious
the creatures move with sly purpose
stalking in the dusk
hunting god knows what
we have felt their eyes on us
rabid hate painlust
burns the air
we are learning to beware
we are learning to move quickly
the ripping jaws come swiftly if you do not
take care
good stranger unaware
of your dangerous position please
we beg of you to listen
if ever your pure heart knew fear
heed, pass by, plant no seeds here

Sunday, May 29, 2005

buttercup


this is my buttercup, it is the happiest thing i have ever made. i did it at work, after talking the owner into upgrading my computer so i could. i love my job.

digging

see what i mean about being lazy? i guess not so much lazy as negligent of my readers. ok, i am lazy too. here is some poetry i wrote months ago. i hope it will appease you people who are griping at my irregular posting. some of you have read this.
i originally started this blog so as to have a place to put this stuff. then i stopped writing any poetry at all except for haiku. its good to have this old stuff around when i have nothing else to write here.
all the really interesting parts of my life just now are too much to talk about.
this is kind of anthemlike. it is not my very best, but a good introduction to my poems. it will come as a surprise to no one.

may the scary ugly things
find their light in me
and all thats dark and frightening
be beautified in me
let me hold my hatefulness aloft for all the world to see
a mirror
fear and sorrow
sing to me a soothing lullaby
and all the things that make me cry
a howling harmony
let the burning venom spurt
in gushing gouts across the page
until the rage and bitter hurt
have lost their power to engage my senses
and obsess me
searing whiplash sting
caress me down
loud haranguing anger drown
in bloody black ink tears
for here i find empowerment
not one more hour will be spent
twisting in the grip of fear
imprisoned by resentment
though i cant erase the harshness
i can dare to face the darkness
and silence not the screaming in my heart
but lay it bare
and listen to it singing low
and to its driving rhythm slowly dance
embracing shadow
making love to my nightmare

Monday, May 23, 2005

Let the Games Begin

I have an announcement.
After years of swearing i would never do it, i have decided to get married after all. The trouble is, I do not know to whom.
Having grown exasperated by the air of competition that inevitably surrounds my romantic life, I have decided to do this the old fashioned way.
We shall have a tournament, and a duel to the death.
Thats right. He who would have me will have to slay his competition in fair single combat. Shall this be a gladiator style spectacle, or a private duel by dark of moonless night? I cannot decide. I supose we shall see who enters.
I sense some people shifting uncomfortably as they read this thinking, she must be kidding, right?
Not at all.
According to the rules of love devised by the troubadors, a woman would be expected to issue such challenges to her suitors. She would be considered "sauvage" should she give her favors to one without the benefit of such a trial. If her demands were too bloodthirsty, however, she was also sauvage. So, we must find exactly the proper balance of high standards tempered with reason and mercy, mustnt we?
yes we certainly must.
Perhaps some of you do not feel up to this? perhaps, regardless of wild protestsations of undying devotion, it may be that some will draw the line here.
Here is the mercy part then.
If you do not consider the opportunity to win the hand of the lady fair worth bloodying your own, I will devise a Quest Impossible, consisting of 3 challenges, each more difficult than the last.
Not into impossible quests either? Damn you lazy good-for-nothings! It is a sad, degenerate age we live in. Perhaps then we could end all this talk of winning me.
After all, im not a trophy.

Friday, May 20, 2005

springing

karma is having its way with me.
the tarot seems playfully sarcastic lately. i ask, on what single thing shall i focus my concentration? answer; the world.
next, how shall i attain stability? answer; the star.
the star, just when im attempting to get down to earth. i suppose anyone could have seen that coming.
the world. i am crafting a world in my own image right now. i tell you, you mention you are writing a book and people look at you with sort of polite disinterest, but its the most fascinating process ever. i feel kind of dumb that i never attempted such a thing before. i love books more than almost anything. i like writing quite a lot also. we shall see if love is enough, i guess. i feel reasonably confident about it. because even though its shlocky and none too graceful yet, i think it shows promise. all 6 pages of it.
the trouble with a book is my short attention span. i like to write things which are short, but poignant. like this haiku:

fragment of rainbow
sunshot raindrop pillar stands
supporting heaven

which was inspired by a thing i saw walking home in the rain after swimming with the guides one evening at sunset .
now, as i have said, this blog has nearly replaced journalling for me, which is both a good and a bad thing. i have several books full of stuff which was written with no intention whatever of sharing. it was excellent to be able to write in secret and purely express things in a raw form. however we all must come out of our shells at some point and so now i present my thoughts for the amusement of all and sundry. all are welcome, of course, to reply.
i have only today come across a comment to a post of about 2 weeks ago. from someone i would not have expected to see around here, who has been too good to talk to me personally for some time. i am accused of unoriginality and self absorption by this churlish fellow, to whom i reply;
hello dear friend, and welcome to MY blog, where it is indeed all about ME. forgive me if my life, my consciousness and my experience of the world at this time are fascinating to me. theres some pretty exciting shit going down. certain doors of perception have recently revealed themselves as standing open and the things i can see on the other side are new to me, and miraculous. i joyously share the sense of wonderment i feel at this with those who are not too jaded to appreciate it. ouchie, spiky! just because all the most exciting things that will ever happen to YOU already have, doesnt mean you have to get all cranky with those of us who are just getting started.
i welcome your intelligent comments, but perhaps you ought to reserve the bitter crotchetiness for your OWN site.
nice to see you again.

now back to me.
spring is a pretty old idea too, but it comes every year. i am astounded every time and i walk around pointing at all the popping, bursting growing stuff like nothing like it has ever been seen before. there are secrets in the hearts of flowers that will only be revealed to one who loves them unreservedly. and i do. i am about to state the obvious again.
its SPRING you guys!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

swords and flowers

happy bday to me.
friday the 13 of this month was declared an extra birthday for me. This enabled certain individuals who have failed in their bday duties in the past to make amends and shower me with loot. i got some books and new pens, some flowers, a drum and a SWORD.
i have never done that well on a real bday.
a sword.
see, as a witch and a tarot reader, the sword is kind of a big spiritual deal. taking martial arts which actually included sword training have reinforced this for me. the sword symbolises the air element, the power of the mind. it is symbolic of far reaching influence. it is associated with the pen and the plow. the ability to carve out a space, to leave your mark. this is meaningful as i begin the first really major writing project of my life.
i have always wanted one of my very own, but it has never happened for various reasons. the closest thing i have is a wakazashi which was presented to me covered in rust and i thought, no this is not THE sword, though i did get the rust off.

i got to thinking that when i had reached a certain point of readiness for the qualities embodied in the thing, that i would get one. i think like that. i couldnt just get some sword that i liked somewhere one day when i had the spare cash, it would never happen that way. it has to be all epic and fraught with deeper spiritual associations and stuff, or im just not satisfied at all. it had to be given to me on my pretend birthday, friday the 13th, by the strangest of all possible people. thank you, strange one.
tonight i consecrated it beneath the crescent moon and the northern lights, which were conveniently active when i stepped out. i knew somehow that they would be out tonight. i always see them at times like this.
i am quite satisfied.
incedentally i figured out how to change the settings to allow outside comments, so those of you who wanted to put in your 2 cents but were thwarted, now can do so at will.

darkly glowing blade
arcing sweeps across the sky
penetrates the night

Thursday, May 12, 2005

My head is going to explode......

Ok so after all of that nothing I am working on this vampire script, which by the way no longer has anything to do with the original and may in fact be a novel instead, and I am thinking about all the weird supernatural junk I know which may find vent somewhere in this thing.
A long time ago I tried to write a monologue about the unseen monsters of the world. I knew just what I wanted to say but couldn’t write it somehow. Then I went on to live it intensely and become much more knowledgeable on the subject. I was thinking about that monologue (which was never written) today and thinking I should use it (though it does not exist) in the script (or book).
At that moment a crazy homeless man came in to the store. I know him, sort of. He is old and balding, what hair he has is unruly. He hangs around coffee shops playing chess with himself. He may not actually be homeless but sure looks like it.
He was wearing a cat in the hat hat, and a black t-shirt with a skull and crossbones. Above the skull it said unseen. Below it were the words live in fear. Skulls are a thing with me right now. It gave me shivers. It was just a crazy homeless guy in a cool t-shirt, but it was also the spirit world giving me a message. It was saying we see you looking at us.
If it turns out to be a movie that guy is totally going in it.
Now, i have a dear friend who is going to be annoyed that i have devoted that much blogspace to a crazy homeless guy yet never mention him. He is terrific person who hardly ever acts crazy at all anymore and keeps asking me to play chess which I keep declining because I am rusty as hell and afraid to lose to him. It is probably because of hanging out with him so much lately that I suddenly think I can write a book (or a movie) because I certainly never had any such notions before. I have often experienced occurences of ridiculous notions when I associate with him, so its likely. I told him I wouldnt speak of him here though, so I have nothing more to say about that.
Or anything else. Ive been writing all day. ENOUGH!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Nothingmuch

My horoscope today said:
You’ll have some interesting ideas about your future and how to make changes leading to a better life. Personal alterations will turn out better than you expect.

Today a Thing of Great Importance has taken place.
The happy masochist has escaped me and the nothing is freed at last.

I picked up my bag to leave a good friends house after a significant conversation. Instead of taking the strap I grabbed it by the masochist. The old, frayed yoyo string with which I tightly and cruelly bound him 3 years ago finally snapped.
The story, for those of you who do not know, is that the masochist guards the nothing until he himself escapes, then the nothing is released and becomes something. It was thought that one could impress ones will on it at the moment of emergence, if one was quick. I was quick and grabbed on. The conversation had been intense and the room still resonated with Ideas.
I saw all the seemingly unrelated fragments of my life and myself suddenly spin themselves into a single thread, condense into a point of microscopic brilliance in which a vast universe slept, awaiting birth. I know I will bring this forth, if I am not too afraid to. One word, one song, one image at a time if need be, and this world will be more aware of its divinity and beauty because I have done so.
I was luckily with someone who could apreciate what was happening. not everyone would have looked at a girl kneeling over a backpack with a battered yellow doll in her hand and a beatific expression on her face, and realized that a sacred event was taking place that would dramatically alter the course of the development of All That Is. How many others might understand the magic in the breaking of a string, the last tether holding the old order in place? They might instead think she was a little crazy, or having a petit mal seizure.
The nothing is much, much bigger than I thought; I could feel a trail of it drifting behind me as I rode away. It has not stopped leaking yet. It seems the backpack is not just a container, but is in fact a portal to a whole lot of it, and this may go on for some time, so everyone, be very careful what you think for awhile.
We all have the creative powers of gods right now.
Nothing to get excited about.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

testing...

we are living at a time when many doors are standing open between this world and others. strange energies are pouring through in either direction. the web on this side is being infused with new colors. rampant change is confusing everything. karma is having its way with us, my friends. old unresolved energies are being called in and straightened out. i picture something like a cosmic bike shop. forgotten vehicles of movement being pulled out of garages, cleaned, oiled and repaired or sent to scrap, as appropriate. maybe its just me who feels this. especially the bike part. my bike is like my broomstick, and i have a magickal/mystic connection to it. it gives me a huge sense of mobility and power, much as the currents of energy moving right now do.
but maybe im crazy.
im sorry, did i say i was going to be in a vampire movie?
im going to have to write one first.
the rehearsal; we practiced swinging swords around, which was fun, but since i had not yet seen the script i still had no idea why. then he showed us. i read it and thought for a while. he asked me what i thought, and i mentioned it seemed kind of short with not much character development. he told me his writer was a very busy guy who didnt have time to do much with the script. i suggested that i could perhaps do some work on it and reminded him of the monologue which had got me into it. he seemed pretty pleased and assured me that i would get a writers credit. i have no idea if i can make something good out of this but i had to do something. this poor script needs SOMEONE to love it. and i need a writing project, because kink, art, guides, acting in this movie (if i can write a part id actually want) vying for the corporate sales and advertising position at work and keeping my overflowing social life under control isnt enough to do.
i am crazy.

the customer who wished me more than i expected on the weekend was back that morning. i told him that his wish worked. he said "is there something you would like today then?" I told him about the film thing and he said "may your fangs be sharper than neccessary, and your talents beyond this world!" this guy is awesome. he is probably in his 50's with long grey hair and a long bushy grey beard. he also wears a red coat(he works for impark), like some kind of santa claus figure distorted with real world living. he is very jolly.

destiny dances
music too loud for sleeping
wake and sing with us

here is the monologue i auditioned with.

I am a cold mean killer. Don’t look at me like that, it’s true. There’s no difference between me and any monster out there, really. I like what I do.
I wasn’t always this way. When I was a kid I couldn’t stand to watch anything suffer, to see life just …end. It seemed so cruel. The sight of blood horrified me.
One day I was walking near the edge of the forest. This massive bird like a hawk or something, with claws like I had never seen comes out of the sky. It landed on a tree branch very close to me and I stopped dead and we watched each other for a long time.
Finally it spread its wings and swooped in my direction. I thought it would attack me but it grabbed a mouse out of the grass. I heard a tiny scream and saw the tail thrash as its body was crushed in one talon and swallowed whole before the bird returned to the branch.
Then I understood.
Some things have to die, and some things have to kill.
A world too full of life will choke on itself.
That’s where I come in, the little service I perform. Think of me as a gardener pulling weeds.
A special kind of natural selection, sudden violent seduction, your heart and mine beating as one. Lovers thrashing in the dark, married in your bleeding. I pull you deep into me. You are finally, exquisitely aware of things you never dared to face before looking into my eyes. Your pain, your love, your fear and all that you could ever be are focused to a single, trembling pinpoint of light that I crush out in the palm of my hand. In the silence that once was filled with the sound of your panicked breath I rise on the wings of a power you never knew you posessed. Your puny being is glorified in me at the moment you stop existing.
Its lovelier than you can imagine, and necessary too! You really ought to thank me, darling.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

nevermaybe

wow, so much is happening.
this was the weekend that customer wished on me. it was action packed. to the point of ridiculousness. i am still sooo tired.
i went to a handfasting, my first. it was the most savagely beautiful thing i ever was part of, bloody and barbaric and moving. the couple are completely, deeply, dedicatedly in love.
what i found striking about it was their absolute certainty about each other. the solidity of their union. ive been in love, but never been able to put my whole will into it. ive never been sure. commitment is beautiful, but too scary. the bride asked a few of the women there to be her faery handmaids, including me. we all got wings. at a certain point in the ceremony she took hers off and left them with us to go to him.
i never even would have considered that.
joining of hands maybe, bloodbinding maybe, if i was sure, (and what does that even feel like?) but i could never be sure enough of someone to leave my wings. the right one wouldnt ask it of me anyhow.
i think its quite enough that little miss jaded spent one night as a giggling bridesmaid, and was moved to tears by the beauty of a marriage, the first one i have ever seen worth the name. Its probably as close as I will ever come.
but enough of that jive talk, there are more important things happening.
im gonna be in a vampire movie.
i answered a ffwd ad in november for this indie filmmaker, did the audition with a monologue i wrote that day, sang a song that i also wrote. (not that day) they seemed impressed. i didnt really take it all that seriously which is partly why it went so well i think. they kind of guaranteed me a part then and there, to start shooting in january. the guy finally called me yesterday. thursday is first rehearsal.
its a martial arts movie too, too bad i dont train anymore. but they say i get a sword. they also say i get a decent part. i will possibly do something for the soundtrack as well.
this is way cool even if its a bad movie. i hope its good though.
i am beginning to wish my lost friend would stay lost. he has visited me again at work, to try to sell me e and to show me the progress of his degeneration. his whore beats him, and lets her boyfriends help. he looked bad. every time he has come to see me it is in a place or circumstance where i cannot speak freely to him. i wonder how premeditated that is. i wonder how much he has left to meditate with. i felt impotently furious and had to walk away and let someone else deal with it, lest i make a huge scene, as i felt close to doing. i wanted to hit him too, and hated myself for it, as well as for my inability to do anything but flee, though it was for the best i do so. i keep wondering how he is, and wishing i didnt know when i find out.

bruises on his face
submissively accepted
his lips to her fist

i pray for him still.
back to the subject of commitments and vows. i really cant be trusted to keep such things. i have broken another one. im not telling what, so dont anyone ask me, but im just not going to try anymore to pretend to know what i might do next. i am too changeable, too distractable, and too in love with the impossible which invariably becomes possible at the most inconvenient times. dont believe me when i say never, but watch it if i say maybe. i can ride a maybe for a long time without losing my balance. therefore i hereby absolve myself of all past nevers, and baptise them as maybes. lets see my subconscious get around that.