nevermaybe

wow, so much is happening.
this was the weekend that customer wished on me. it was action packed. to the point of ridiculousness. i am still sooo tired.
i went to a handfasting, my first. it was the most savagely beautiful thing i ever was part of, bloody and barbaric and moving. the couple are completely, deeply, dedicatedly in love.
what i found striking about it was their absolute certainty about each other. the solidity of their union. ive been in love, but never been able to put my whole will into it. ive never been sure. commitment is beautiful, but too scary. the bride asked a few of the women there to be her faery handmaids, including me. we all got wings. at a certain point in the ceremony she took hers off and left them with us to go to him.
i never even would have considered that.
joining of hands maybe, bloodbinding maybe, if i was sure, (and what does that even feel like?) but i could never be sure enough of someone to leave my wings. the right one wouldnt ask it of me anyhow.
i think its quite enough that little miss jaded spent one night as a giggling bridesmaid, and was moved to tears by the beauty of a marriage, the first one i have ever seen worth the name. Its probably as close as I will ever come.
but enough of that jive talk, there are more important things happening.
im gonna be in a vampire movie.
i answered a ffwd ad in november for this indie filmmaker, did the audition with a monologue i wrote that day, sang a song that i also wrote. (not that day) they seemed impressed. i didnt really take it all that seriously which is partly why it went so well i think. they kind of guaranteed me a part then and there, to start shooting in january. the guy finally called me yesterday. thursday is first rehearsal.
its a martial arts movie too, too bad i dont train anymore. but they say i get a sword. they also say i get a decent part. i will possibly do something for the soundtrack as well.
this is way cool even if its a bad movie. i hope its good though.
i am beginning to wish my lost friend would stay lost. he has visited me again at work, to try to sell me e and to show me the progress of his degeneration. his whore beats him, and lets her boyfriends help. he looked bad. every time he has come to see me it is in a place or circumstance where i cannot speak freely to him. i wonder how premeditated that is. i wonder how much he has left to meditate with. i felt impotently furious and had to walk away and let someone else deal with it, lest i make a huge scene, as i felt close to doing. i wanted to hit him too, and hated myself for it, as well as for my inability to do anything but flee, though it was for the best i do so. i keep wondering how he is, and wishing i didnt know when i find out.

bruises on his face
submissively accepted
his lips to her fist

i pray for him still.
back to the subject of commitments and vows. i really cant be trusted to keep such things. i have broken another one. im not telling what, so dont anyone ask me, but im just not going to try anymore to pretend to know what i might do next. i am too changeable, too distractable, and too in love with the impossible which invariably becomes possible at the most inconvenient times. dont believe me when i say never, but watch it if i say maybe. i can ride a maybe for a long time without losing my balance. therefore i hereby absolve myself of all past nevers, and baptise them as maybes. lets see my subconscious get around that.