dancing in the dark

well at least now im falling into a kind of 2 week rhythm.
its not that my life is dull, its that its too full of underlying controversy to blab cavalierly about here. conflicting emotions and egos make it so not worthwhile to get into my personal life, at least where it concerns other people.
so, what else is going on?
the book is decidedly stalling, or i am. the depths of sick depravity my mind can go to is upsetting even to me. considering i am digging into that as deep as i can, its not surprising that i am a little uncomfortable with the process. i do not want my characters to be so unkind to each other. i do not like this cold bleak world i am creating. i understand the way some people are crushed and pruned and twisted into the ugly shapes they become far too well. the process of conditioning someone to become little more than a source of energy to be milked or a vehicle to be driven to its eventual destruction. its fucking diablolical and tragic and too real for me sometimes. my characters have become people i care about and i do not want to torture them this way for the sake of the story. i, the author and god, have become the vampire i am denouncing in this same tale, using their energy and driving them toward their fates with merciless intent for my own ends. i want everyone to go for a picnic and have a nice time and forget there ever were such things as astral vampires. except that if you ever forget for even a second... theyll get ya.
besides, nice times make a sucky novel.
see why i am stalling? how many other authors actually become paralysed in their sympathy for their own characters i wonder. how many authors hesitate to write the real story in their heads for fear of what may be uncovered or unleashed in the process. probably lots. this stuff can change you as a person.
thats a thing i discovered when i started doing a daily stream of consciousness journal entry. i read this book called the artists way, which is full of good suggestions id never bother following. the one and only one i did follow, for quite a long time, was the morning pages. 3 pages of longhand writing, uncensored, as soon after waking as possible. it clears the mind marvellously, but you can do a lot of deep digging in 3 pages. i didscovered things inside my own head, wonderful and terrible, that i did not know were there. so i dug deeper. i tell you this, its a good way to clear the mind but also a good way to drive yourself just a little nuts.
so in compromising between allowing the words to come as they will and actually directing the story as i will, i am getting into a whole new section of my psyche which is dangerous and wierd and beautiful. shes a mean one, this vampire/god/author thing i have discovered in myself, and she spares no one. my apologies for those of you who are being unwittingly exploited in this little project of mine. except to d, who deserves it all and worse.
here is another poem, the most recent one i have written, 2 months ago or so. it kind of reminds me of a thing my ex fiance tried to explain to me about himself long ago. iyelli, if you still bother to read this (dont feel bad if you have given up, im a lousy blogger) read it to him, i think hed dig it, at least as much as he digs anything he didnt write himself.

i have a sweet romance with death
oh how i love to dance with death
when we go gliding cheek to bony cheek
i cannot catch my breath
he holds me tight
so fast we go!
He twirls me round and dips me low
the squirming things i see below
the swirling hem of his black cloak
cause me to squirm in answer
my love is quite a dancer
i reach to kiss the seething grin
he smells of sin and new life bingeing on the old
his hands are cold
i long to feel them on my skin
i long to give my self to him
surrender up my everything
an offering to his majesty
my lord of loss and tragedy
the sweet gift of finality
i lust for
he refuses me
and smiles as if amused
i know i have done wrong by him
only rape can satisfy him
he has so many willing lovers
i curtsey to his bow
and step aside
to watch him choose another