Love

Man, the sicker I get of this subject the more it comes up. I have reached a point in life where some kind of definition of my beliefs regarding it is necessary at least for the benefit of my own clarity of mind. If it benefits anyone else that’s terrific. Feel free to skip this if you’re as jaded as I sometimes wish I still was.
What is it?
Love is an active force. Love is the most powerful energy. It is steadfast but also dynamic. The love of a mother for her child gives her the power to accomplish acts she could not perform for her own sake. Love between two people can motivate changes in heart and mind. Love of humanity creates justice and compassionate activism. Love of art inspires great works. Love of life inspires exploration and discovery. Love of self inspires love of all else, and drives one to change ones world for the better. Love does not stand still.
It is not a selfish need to possess another, but a desire to contribute to their wellbeing. It does not need to be returned. It only takes one to love.
What is it for?
We are animals, descended from animals, and not as far from our savage origins as most of us would like to believe. In the opening stages of evolution we have basic ground level survival issues. We need be only concerned with ourselves. Feeding and sheltering ourselves no matter the cost. This is the root chakra.
For those unfamiliar with the term, a chakra is a center of energy flow that generates a specific type and vibration of energy. Think of them as the organs of the etheric body.
The next stage demands that we seek contact with another for the purposes of procreation. This is a survival drive on a larger scale, ensuring continuity of the species. This is the sacral chakra.
The third stage is where we begin to really notice the larger world and our need to interact successfully within it, and to reshape it for ourselves. This is survival at a more refined level, where we begin to concern ourselves about quality of life. From the solar plexus chakra stems the drive to create and control. It is still self-centered.
The fourth chakra is the one we are most concerned with here. At the level of the heart is the birth of compassion, true concern for another living being, empathy, and love. Having realized that long term cultural success depends on more than everyone keeping warm and dry and in line, we begin to reach out to each other, to merge our energies and plans, and see past our own immediate concerns. The purpose of love is to allow us to evolve. It is not just to give us warm fuzzy feelings or reinforce the ego. It is the realization that we are part of something larger, it is the recognition of the beauty of ourselves in the context of the larger world and the ability to see this beauty in another, and to treasure it. It motivates us to nurture the growth of another and our own thereby, and the more we love the more we come to see it as essential to our being.
Does love entail commitment?
Yes. I believe it entails a greater commitment to life itself, when one opens to love. It is by its very nature a commitment. It has been my experience that once I come to love something I can’t stop. I may grow emotionally indifferent, but the emotional aspect of love is really the shallowest part. It is a deep spiritual recognition, one soul to another, that is irreversible. Ever after, that person will matter to me. When they need something I can help them with, I will do it. Always. This does not mean that I will be constantly in their life. The interest I feel that motivates me to seek a specific persons company continually is not love, but enhances the experience of love greatly. Others I love but have little wish to be near for long periods. This love still commits me to their well being. It is not a thing I force myself to do out of some lofty sense of honor, but a thing I feel necessary and right.
This is something that I feel for specific individuals. I have a great love for the entire universe. I have a true affection for the way things spin around each other, the way life pops out of the ground, the way water falls out of the sky. I have room in my heart for the entire thing, even the ugly parts, the scary parts, the evil parts, because it all goes together to form such a beautiful and precious gift that anyone would be an ungrateful fool not to love it.
I truly feel that way, and so unconditional love for all humanity is not such a great big leap for me, conceptually. That being said, I wish that about 90% of people would drop dead and leave me alone with the rest. The general is pretty general for me and the specific is very specific. Its kind of a paradox, but I love paradox too!
Unconditional love is next door to indifference, since it refuses to take individual virtues or shortcomings into account, but sweeps them all up in one big hug. I think we need to feel our individuality is worth something. Its very nice and comforting to know that no matter what there is a base line unconditional love flowing to us, but the idea that our individual actions, qualities, thoughts and feelings matter to someone else is what makes it worth battling the overwhelming temptation to conform, and maintain that individuality. There are those for whom self love is enough, but not many. Love is interactive, whether the general or specific kind. It is capable of performing miracles, and it is the act of giving it that truly heals the heart and enriches life. Recieving it is lovely too of course, but if you can keep loving even when you are not being loved you have learned the secret that keeps God from kicking everyones ass. Really unconditional love. Specific to the individual, but unwavering in the face of change.
There are three writings on love that i think kind of say it all between them. The section on love in Kahlil Gibran's The Prophet, 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, and sonnet 116 by Shakespeare. Go look them up on google right now, I am not quoting them. Gibran speaks of surrendering to love, accepting the hurt and sorrow that is a natural part of opening to deep feeling and becoming vulnerable. The Bible defines clearly what it is and is not. Shakespeare says uncompromisingly that if it is not constant and steadfast, it is not love. Our great writers agree that love is a thing which demands a response from the individual feeling it, calling for an elevation of character above personal interests. It sheds light on the darkest aspects of life and gives us the courage to grow beyond them. Not for the sake of the love that we will recieve if we make the necessary changes, but in order to more fully experience the love that is within us. As I said in the beginning of this, it only takes one to love. It is it's own reward. If it is not, it is not love.

the crow has flown

everything i did
nothing can erase my love
replace me at will
-j. owen

big shock

Tom Waits... charismatic story-teller with a
penchant for freaky people and unusual
settings. You thrive on the concept of the
underdog coming out on top.

Which fucked-up genius composer are you?
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falling

there is an enchanting beauty in sadness, in loss, in endings. i have a romance with such things, for the sake of themselves in their aching loveliness, but also because they make room for rebuilding and renewal. summer has fallen short. fall is apon us early and i am ready for it. i love the jubilliant song of spring and the rampant lushness of summer, but oh the fall! how the earth sweeps away the excesses of a sensual season and restores simplicity and order. how the cold forces you to start thinking again, reminds you that life is never a free ride. i find the fall to be empowering and exciting, even if it is sad. all things change, all things end. the potential that sleeps in the heart of a sleeping tree is a very different beauty than its naked branches reaching up into a cold grey sky, but i love both. i love it all. the turning of the leaves, the turning of the wheel.
blog already, says one reader. here i am, blogging. its all kinda random though since i aint got much to say....
hmmmm...
how about another old poem? i like this one.

-

surging like a molten river
dammed in darkness how i shiver
building pressure please forgive these lesser urges on the verge of bursting free
deliver me
from this living thirst

-

and how about this one along the same lines.

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consciousness a stream that runs screaming from my mouth like blood desire arterial thrust a hammer cocked to fire lusting for the target impossible to forget depending on how far you get dont let it run (away with you) rabid half starved junkyard hounds blinded fury unbound yearning turned to twisting tighter lightly savage gently vicious no resisting to my kisses yield i know you yearn to lose all in this burning

-

thats blogging the cheap and easy way, i wrote that stuff back in october. theres still so much more of it too.

hey its new to you right?

snapping wide awake
sunlight yelling in my room
rise, dammit, and shine
what a strange lull i find myself in here. eye of the hurricane kind of thing, i suspect. lifes pretty active on the inside though. i write poetry every day, much of which cant be shared for a variety of reasons, suckiness being one.
i have reached page 28 of the book and it is going in some odd directions. its kind of disconcerting when your imagination wanders to places you are afraid to follow it, but i think it makes for some damn fine story if you do it anyway. i strive to face scary things without flinching. much.
my page 20 present that i finally got is very fitting. its a black satchel with the cutest little grim reaper embroidered on it and the words dead like me below him. its aparently from some tv show that aired like 3 times. i dont know, but its awesome and i have been totally needing a new bag. the old one has been falling apart since the nothing escaped. thank you dave, for such a hip and fashionable solution to my luggage woes, and for enduring the entire flea market till it was found.
the shopping was fine indeed today, i got 2 pairs of really sweet boots and some more garage sale junk for my walls.
the poem in my last post has turnened into a slow, bitter jazz tune. its really pretty. i need a pianist. i need some focus.
hey, who all still reads this anyway? can i get a show of hands? i often have the sense of talking to myself, but who is out there listening?

Lies to yourself
Lies to yourself
Feelings are fickle
And cannot be trusted
Lies to the world
And everyone else
You and your sick heart
Cannot be trusted
Lay it all out
Lay it all down
See how it feels
When the truth is revealed
How you’ve used it all up
How your heart is all numb
It sporadically surges
And suddenly freezes
And you cant be trusted
And you cant control it
Whatever you wish for
You just might get
But you’d only abuse it
Eventually break it
And cut yourself up
On the sharp shattered pieces
Lose a bit more
Of whatever you live for
Forgive yourself
Just one more time
And do it again

poem yay

brand new. i just wrote it a week and a bit ago, before everything got messy. its kinda prophetic in a stupid pathetic kind of way. someone i read it to liked it.
Golden honey sundrenched summer sweet trees thickly blooming flowers by the river swiftly moving washing golden sparkles busy heavy leaves and heady scented breezes every inch of ground a verdant richness smothers
One thing choking out another
All things striving pushing shoving and amid this lively splendor
One lone tree
Stands stark and leafless
From its barren twisted branches
Black cracks woven over blue sky
Crow cries taunts
Defiantly
Into the coming storm

i aint juliet, even if youre romeo, homeo

props to space lady for the title. its from a poem she was reading to me just now, and it seemed apt.
this is a newish poem. i began it months ago and finished it just now.
im trying not to be bitter, really.

-

How did I know
One day I’d see you lying facedown in the mud
An ancient monster growing fat and strong
Apon your poisoned blood
How much different would it be
If I had taken what you offered me
The flag you waved surrendering
Your heart and mind and everything
To me or almost anything
That wanted you
Its got you now
And I cannot come close
Though I’m addicted to your pain
And you’re addicted to my hurt
We flirt with hell each time we kiss
You stain me slightly
Never goes away
And I am covered all
With stains like this
Unsightly mottled serpent skin
Mapping out my every dumb mistake
Spelling out each lie that I believed
I leave you to your romance
With your demons and your heartbreak
Unforgiven
By yourself
Myself?
I cannot even grieve

-

that last line is kind of a lie. i still have the clarity of mind to truly appreciate the horrific irony of the whole situation and it upsets me more deeply than some might imagine. if you are reading this and have no idea what the hell i am talking about, be glad.

beware of god(dess)

attention please everyone! if any of you were thinking at all of falling in love with me (who havent already) beware!
word on the street is that i am a poison and a destroyer of men. if i care about someone the best thing i can do is stay away, i hear.
its probably true. as early as age 15 a boy i dated for 2 weeks and wouldnt put out for dedicated the song "poison" by alice cooper to me. i thought it was sweet.
just because the last 2 guys i dated BOTH dumped me to pursue addictive behaviour, and the one before that is owner of a quarter million dollar house w/a home recording studio and his own up and coming record label, all of which he started 2 weeks after we broke up. seems to me that self destruction is a matter of choice.
i am a destroyer, kids, of comfort zones and convenient illusions. i am poison to liars and their lies, because i am true to myself, which often means i do not do what others desire of me. if your dissapointment at not having succeeded in reshaping me to your desires is sooooo crushing, maybe you need to reshape yourself. what was is broken, because it was faulty.
the flipside of destruction is creation. i challenge the broken men out there to pick up the pieces and make something of yourselves. and if one of you could maybe accomplish that BEFORE you date me (hint; i tend to date men who are broken already) then you wont need to hold me responsible for you at all.
hey m, take your own advice already. sheesh.

if you cant think of anything nice to say, say Nothing

lunar illumination

anyone looking for a really great lunar meditation click on this link.
http://aa.usno.navy.mil/graphics/Moon_movie.gif
i could stare at this thing all day its so fascinating.

trust is a luxury

small flame painful burns
just one careless cigarette
ugliest disease